Jacob Rees Mogg: Guide to Beach Etiquette
It is High Summer and following JRM’s definitive guide to grammar it is time to remind employees who have generously been allowed a summer break about beach etiquette.
The Thatcher Archives are as the Marx & Engels Internet Archive to right minded people and an entry for 8th August 1981 notes:
1500 Walked along the beach
This means that it is ideologically acceptable and commensurate with Thatcher Thought to visit the beach.
However there are some guidelines
1: Wear suitable clothing at all times. If not planning a paddle a suit is acceptable
2: if it is planned to paddle a full bathing costume, preferably in Union Jack colours, should be worn
3 Flip Flops and the like are banned. Closed toe sandals are acceptable
4 Traditionally one would use a bathing machine to paddle. However in 2019 make sure nanny checks the temperature of the water first and use a large beach towel to cover one’s bathing costume
5 Making sand castles is a traditional pastime
6 Ice cream should be consumed only in a tub to avoid stains on the bathing costume
7 Reading the Daily Telegraph while reclining in a deck chair is expected behaviour
8 On no account should a knotted handkerchief be worn on the head. A Top hat is acceptable
9 Beach cricket is expected behaviour and remember England always win
10 Do not use any electronic device on the beach. It is not traditional
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